These years of refusal
Of small letters written
With big words
Left moldy
Languishing under lies and contempt

Fighting this metaphoric mind fuck
I can't explain the hurry today
Indigo January hurdles
False darkness
Stumbling along to traverse this path
Crooked with days and nights
Bleeding together
Running off the edge of the page
Soaking into the table top
And mocking me

None of this means I don't love you
I'm just not as sure about me today

When next becomes first
Time has been washed away to oblivion
I can't even see it
With night vision goggles

Craving stability on a mountaintop
The cartoon topper on a cake
Full of sugary sweet, gritty crystals

I'm in a box without a pencil
To draw my way free this time
I've cried at this window many times
Praying for rain to wash over me
Soak down the angst
And flood this feeling
Let it float away from me

This can't be right
I cannot be bothered to take part
In the pity
There is a less terrible thought
Out there for me
Straddled between yesterday and tomorrow

Rules of loss
No longer apply
A shift and a tussle upstairs
My faults can't keep me here
Waiting for you to understand

Staring at the ceiling in darkness
Fan blades flicker and bounce candlelight
And humidity
Off my walls
I know the gifts you bring
Wrapped up in bright paper with curled ribbons
The boxes full of trickery

I just can't go there
I should never have let you peek inside
Because I will carry our demise with me
Like an arrow with a crimson tip
I didn't know better
You had what I needed
At the time

I'm sorry they sent you the ambulance bill
I'm sorry the mirror was broken
I'm sorry I never apologized
For being who I am
And for wanting you
To save me

Sprawl
Foot out backwards
Giggle like a child
Sweet and unpossessed
By aged fracture

Grounded here
Fuzzy, woven rugs
Silencing the wooden floor
Beneath our elbows
Saving us from ourselves again

Reading lines
Watching glow
And that deep laughter
I miss drowning in

Tickled in this imaginary fort
Smiling for mere moments
In this time of
Trying to forget

Warmth and rosy cheeks
A glint of flame still in your eyes
You don't need to finish the story
Just lay me down here
And be free for the time being

The weight of your expectation is becoming my ruination
Please
Set me down gently
From this pedestal
You have invented to prop me up

This perfection you seek
Is not within me
Clueless to what is truly living inside this shell
No matter it's pretty disguise
You are merely feeding
An unexpected pretension
That is leaking so soon
Before it's time

While I fly here
You do not recognize these blemishes
The scars, the wrinkles of life
Which I cannot even express to you
Past and present
Imagined or otherwise
Trust me that you do not want this
You cannot see through it
Even if you are a super hero

What so I shall fall?
The bricks would be crushing to your ego
The mortar stuck between my ribs
My shattering will be my own
Whether my desire or not

Unearned shiny compliments
Are not enlightening
They are strangling me
Smothered over, muffled voice
And I will inevitably let you down
Once I am free

Please set me down gently
Back to earth
Where I could linger
And figure
It out.

Withering alphabet leaves
Buried under blizzard hush
Grape knuckles rotting on the vine
Elements of cool and forced retreat
Woods grey with solitude
Trees bare and sleeping for the time being

My arousal for living
Meets me here again
In these surroundings
Haven't had my eyes open for a while

Dusky sleepy view and no light pollution
That dulls every inch of my spine
Turning the knots inwards and twisting the fences
Out in the yard

I yearn to come back and stay this time
With or without the sickness
With or without the proper attire
My warmth was never really in question
As long as I could be in the sunrise every morning
And shush to sleep every night when it fell

These are the times of past forgotten that I only think of here
It's Ok
No one can hear me screaming
I go about a day full of vigour and significance
I haven't known for a long time

The advice has been taken and pondered
Appreciated
I've seen the here and the now and the way back when
I can't live without myself again
My belonging in this hierarchy is right here at the bottom
Where nothing can be taken for granted
And Mother Nature is the only voice

Last time I stayed there were bears out the window
Mama and babies playing in the meadow
So glad the windows were shut so she couldn't smell human
And get scared and run away
I wouldn't blame her
They rumbled around the tall grass at dawn
I made coffee on the woodstove and took it out to the porch
Good morning Moose, I can see your breath again
I've never felt so comfortable and safe in my life

And it's time maybe to go back
I don't think anyone can hear me here anyway
No one seems to be listening
Like learning a second language
I'm tired of trying and meeting and small talk
I'm tired, so tired of moving my lips
And getting no response

As much as there are people
There are words I cannot, dare not, do not share
Just haven't in a long time
This untrust has served me well
That it is lonely at times with all these bodies around
Is my only consistency

There seems to be no depth left in this world
To dive into
My hands freezing
If there is no reason, conviction
What is there
Are people correct in their assumptions
That it is pointless to help, that no one cares
I wonder and become filled with weeping
At the thought that it might be true

Balance is a delightful void
To believe in
Not a matter of running away from anything
Towards
More like skipping
There's too much to muddle through here
And there is no one left to fold up with

There's a party going on in my head that I was not invited to.

I crave your fingertips on my skin
Taste the maple syrup on your lip
Poetry whispered on my neck
Warmth on my belly
Soft hips struggling for repose

Pages touch the creaky floor without waiting
Wrapped around the pain
Words floating grace out a pane of broken glass
Share another smoke and call it a night
Your tears are safe here on my breast

Piano key solo fading away
From the night's disguise
Writing the harmony back into my life
Empty shadows departing
Taking with them my death

Loosely smiling
Brief wisp of curl on a collarbone
Replace my fear with longing
Give you back your breath

My
Last sweaty breath
Paused
I told you I knew
You stole from me when you let her in

Your tears sweet on my tongue
I tasted them on your face in the darkness
They sparkled
As you turned away

Switch it up
You've become what you hate most

Did her lip quiver like mine when you went deep
Was she wearing my lingerie
I figured it out

Fulfill the destiny
Of inscription that
Haunts your skin

Give my regards to torment, to suffering
And clean up your mess
When I leave
There is nothing here for me

Does it hurt
I haven't decided
If I want it to
Or not

Breakfast of Champions

Even beautiful hungover you said
Puffy lids
In the morning
Young enough to call in sick with you
And climb back into bed
To sweat it out

And we hung there
Crazy enough to find the amusement
In our loss

Unplug the phone
Pull the drapes
Our dark white palace
We were
Too blind to notice the cracks in the walls surrounding us

All fucked up
Broken sheets
Torn up thru
The glass of
Shattered words

Sobbing naked woes
Enveloped from inside
Your brow
Wet sponge blame
Brought on by the cooling
Of a messy bed

Where you are
Heaped over yourself
Crawling in your pain
The harshness
Of the soft pillows
Smothering your joy

Again