These years of refusal
Of small letters written
With big words
Left moldy
Languishing under lies and contempt

Fighting this metaphoric mind fuck
I can't explain the hurry today
Indigo January hurdles
False darkness
Stumbling along to traverse this path
Crooked with days and nights
Bleeding together
Running off the edge of the page
Soaking into the table top
And mocking me

None of this means I don't love you
I'm just not as sure about me today

When next becomes first
Time has been washed away to oblivion
I can't even see it
With night vision goggles

Craving stability on a mountaintop
The cartoon topper on a cake
Full of sugary sweet, gritty crystals

I'm in a box without a pencil
To draw my way free this time
I've cried at this window many times
Praying for rain to wash over me
Soak down the angst
And flood this feeling
Let it float away from me

This can't be right
I cannot be bothered to take part
In the pity
There is a less terrible thought
Out there for me
Straddled between yesterday and tomorrow

Rules of loss
No longer apply
A shift and a tussle upstairs
My faults can't keep me here
Waiting for you to understand

Staring at the ceiling in darkness
Fan blades flicker and bounce candlelight
And humidity
Off my walls
I know the gifts you bring
Wrapped up in bright paper with curled ribbons
The boxes full of trickery

I just can't go there
I should never have let you peek inside
Because I will carry our demise with me
Like an arrow with a crimson tip
I didn't know better
You had what I needed
At the time

I'm sorry they sent you the ambulance bill
I'm sorry the mirror was broken
I'm sorry I never apologized
For being who I am
And for wanting you
To save me