My memory forgives you
Tho' your smile evades me
Yet to find the peace
That I crave
Perennial heartbreak
No man or mission has been able to patch up
Such deep sadness so long down the road
Time does not seem to be on my side
For healing
Still wounded after all these years

I was sick when I met you
And you couldn't save me
But my God, you did love me
Push
I know now you landed on your heart
I only saw my own struggle
And for that I am eternally grieving

Need to move on as you have
Put it on the shelf
As an unfinished manuscript
And leave it at that
Simple if I didn't miss you so much in this moment
Darkness where you used to shine your light
Tripping over pebbles
Gathering slow thoughts and slipping by
One foot in front of the other

I've not shed this many tears since I drove North that night
In a terrible storm when I thought my heart wouldn't
Allow me to go on
And I screamed for God to strike me down
With a bolt of fire

I surprised myself that I made it
But tonight, I'm feeling it all over again
Like it just happened
Raw
Sucking the breath from me
Chest heaving
Trying to get free from these chains
To find joy again

Found an old photo in black and white
Perhaps I should bury it under alyssum
Tiny blooms carrying sweet scent
Drifting away from me
On winds drawn out from exhalation

What could have been between your heart and head
I'll never know

There's my heart
Along the roadside
Left out in a thunderstorm
Safe in the tall grass

Trouble in the sky
Overhead hammer clouds
Deafening the world
Around us

Pillow soft to touch
When you fly that high
Leave your soul
In a safety deposit box

Vision obscured with rain
Skin withering
Under your fingertips
Outside your own region

Travel delays and warnings
Forgotten visitors waiting
For your return
Did you find it yet

It's there
Along the roadside
In the tall grass

Back from another brink on a 2 year blitz
Over again
Under the influence
Certain songs still make me wanna'

Save for the vestibule
I could easily slip off the dock again
Video camera in my head
Playback in black and white
From the first night
How could we have known then?
The time we didn't have to lose

You knew
My well-being was at risk
Or were you trying to save yourself
Your own perjury
Your ego not able to
Bare the thought
Of your Universe drying out

In spite of it all
This many days
In passing and wishful understanding
I'd return for one more day
In secret shadows

All these pictures crowded together
Collage form
Spilling, melting away from my lap
Not so frightened now
Solemn
Close the box top

And continue on

What if things had come to a different end
I got the plans we always had
On my own
It's a bitter reassurance that it's really what I wanted
Indeed
I know you were wrestling with complications

Last I heard your voice, we were to speak again
I let it go
When you had the accident
Open, gaping hole waiting for the resurrection
That never came

Maybe you lost your breath that night
Still haunted by it
I've played it back a hundred times
Still with no closure

Worried for you
For our shared dependencies
I wiggled free without you
But I've no idea your condition
The circumstance from which
You dream

Quietly I agonize
Because I know
Your fight and self-infliction
No need to lie for the past
Just keep the future clean
Love means everything

These things happen for a reason

Late into dusk's ebb
She married the moon
Came dancing ragged
Drunk on starlight
Shy for ghost thoughts
Naked, woeful

Night bloomers unfurling at her feet
Quiet primula bashful
Sweet air thick
Making foggy moss patches
Between the stones
Sage depth blanket
Warmly undulating

Frond forest whispering low
Against shimmering celluloid sky
Tamarack limbs embrace her
Bark skin, scarless
Soft harsh peace

If I could be there with you now
I might let you in
Deeply impressed
Still Detached
I'd be up for talking
Maybe just staring at the night
Listening to music
Written for yesterday's war
Life turns these corners and the depth of pain
Has dispelled most of my chutzpah
I have lost
Many times

You should know
Maybe my sorrow would somehow help you to heal
Yourself
Knowing decisions are not answers to life
Momentary lapses in reason
I literally wish I could tap my shoes
And bring us together
Fold myself around your chest
And breathe for you
Because I know you haven't found it yet
That place where it's easy to make it
Through the day
Without a compass

Beautiful mistakes
Written in time
Passed from one phase to the next
Relax in their truth and allow
Their dissolution peacefully
Allow yourself to
Rest quietly without gasping

I'll wait for you
To unmask your passion
And we shall meet again
In the morning when the sun peeks in
Linger with me until it fades away
I see the shadows on your skin
When I close my eyes
I am haunted by that mirror glaze

Ruby stained lips uneasy in this grey atmosphere
Latching on to shark skin
Broken nails with peeling varnish
Clawing at the back of heels
Naked and drowning in forgivable sin
Because it brings a smile to your face
Your usual sour frame of mind
Wants a ride on a roller coaster
To bring it back to some love song you lost a long time ago
And you use that sadness and fear
To manipulate her body
Into pretzels for you to unwind
No thought to the mess left at the end of the evening
When she is left there to try and coil back up
Watching the door
Not having the strength left to close it behind you
Only the will to reach over to the crooked bedside table
And consume another shot of hatred

Have you lost what sense you claim to possess
Rainy sky streaked with your sticky neon bliss
You can't go home yet fella'
With your secretive explosion
Still tickling your brain
Maybe there is a place around the corner
Where you can perch your old jeans and tell the boys
Of your conquest
Don't forget to tell them what it cost

Grace was a girl
Never really a woman as she liked to make believe
Made up of translucent colours
Covered up with a blanket of soft curls and hand me down dreams
Waiting for Prince Charming to come and rescue her
Like in the movies she used to sneak into
I wish she'd been able to focus enough to see
What was hidden out back
A cemetery alley
Of unmarked graves being filled up one dollar at a time

Precious these days
The audience quieted by responses
That don't quite fit their existence
Pain of forgiveness without rightfully knowing
The reason why
It doesn't mean so much
When fingers are crossed behind your back
So you can reserve your despair
Because it's the only thing you know how to respond to

Without the darkness
There is no light at the end
Or the beginning for that matter
Comparisons and faces with shocked expressions
When statements become twisted
In their Chinese phone call game

She asked me if I remembered the lighter days
Yeah, but I can't put them in the correct order
They have been lost in time
Warped by a medicated bliss
Ensured of their return
But eying it with suspicion
My job is to be on the lookout for the enemy

This theatre cannot afford security
Just an individual with an old rusted shield of thick skin
Hand drumming the vibrations and sounds
That make sense at the time
The only ones that bring any radiance
I forgot you were there watching me writhe
And listening to these frightening bits of prose
That have escaped the confines of their prison

I broke the volume control last night
Now it does go to 11

Music, quiet voices
Strings attached to my piano
Where expression is what I need
Struggling to find it without you
Paintbrushes thrown against walls
Finger painting on floors that can always
Be covered over with old carpets

Word games that never exit my mind
They can't find their way out
Stuck in bubblegum, keeping me awake at night
Can't even count sheep
'Cause I end up sheering them, spinning their wool
And crocheting scarves
Recesses that don't seem to know how to stop
Processing

At times I miss the jargon and confluence of thought
Other times, it gets me through the day
I have remained at the mercy
Of things I cannot change
And liberated by hasty retreat
When mood strikes melody

Not much can be said for one so handsome
Invisible smile
The urge to set him free and have his chance
For the fog to burn away
Just reach across the water
Pull him to shore
Where it costs nothing
To steal a nap under the shade of a wild oak
And feel the warmth of the breeze
Carrying the scent of native Southern blooms

Expressive shadows
Timely divide of paint colours
Sharing the ink of time on paper
Stylized by some unknown sentient disguise
Such temptation to fortify another
Before this armour has been fully rebuilt

Creating as one
Doesn't seem that life's course is asking us
To take the same ride
How much begging can affront this question
Before time and two
Smears and tidal waves of emotion
Left on broken, concrete steps
Icy pavement stealing voices
Trying to slip away into the night
Mistakes of comfort and no one to know
The difference
Just us and we can't go back and
Change the lyrics now

Life is not a Shakespearean dream

Busy with these thoughts
Soft skin goose bumps
You are in my head again
My admittance
Still stirs
Where you are concerned
Bothers me
Because I can't seem to get a handle on it
I hear your voice and feel
You inside me
But I can't see your face
Like I've forgotten
How to visualize the moments
That are blind truth
Only scars for you to heal
With your charm
Your tears, your hands
I'm reflecting this desire
I want to love you
Feel you slowly
The weight of your body
These thighs begging your presence
Wanting it all
Any cost
To sanity or will
Melting with you
Beneath my opinions
And lust for a body
I am only imagining
Under me
This bed is empty
At times full of dreams
Conjured between bouts of
Idiosyncratic wanderings
And delirious echoes
That I can only find in my own time
I want to tell you
But I am pushed back by
Invisibility
And fracture
When I see you again
You will know
My temptation and weak devotion
I wish I knew you tonight though
So you could
Take me away to a place
On some island
That exists
Between these sheets
Silently turn me over to the moon
So we can
Try and make sense of it all
Quiet, still grip
Storm outside the window
Late night shower
Tumble to the floor
To mop up the laughter
Falling asleep beside you
Listening to your silence

Wish you were here

Winter's heavy passing
Leaching life from my veins
Can't it be over in the morning
Whenever that comes
If I can awake

This is what I wanted
And now cannot give away
Stale heartbeat
Surrounding me in all it's frankness
And solidarity

The gleeful glance down the highway
Through fields
I'm a few years late
Taking so long a path
Getting there taking it's toll
On these hands

Keeping up appearances is getting me down
I don't really want to be here anymore
Anyway
But there is always something to
Keep the excuses on the top
Of a pile of shit

Underneath the bruising
Who cares who is to blame
Time to lose the shivering guilt
Lease out the tension
To someone
Who needs some inspiration
For painting their masterpiece

Bored of everything
Uninspired to truly
Breathe
Without interruption
Lost here where
I got found

This void
Need to fill it up
With something fresh
Follow the truth right out the door

Summer breeze dress
Hands on hips
Toes tingling in sand
Scars open to the truth
Sorrow of hope in daydreams
That never made it to the screen

The warmth of stars bouncing off you
Stumbling through Charleston
Succumbing to desires
Neither of us knew we had
Secrets left in a small Florida town

Once in a while I go there
In disguise
Just to see if it's all the same
The city though will never see my light of day again
Memorial and fantasy
Wrapped up together and left
At Cherry Beach
To decompose

Galt Ave. and everything Under the Carlaw Bridge
The song, the Only, the whole broken scene
My life out of sorts
And pieced together again
I still sing along
When the mood strikes
That old CD is scratched and I can't find a new one

Me too

These lost days
Will not forgive me
For the words
Forced through with a slim breath
Your letting down will not
Allow me to follow
If there were any way to stay, I could do it
For you
And swallow this with the weather's woes
Shuffle off this shoulder sparkle
And continue
I still think of the day I sold
You down the river
And never let you have the paddle
I was hanging onto
Your voice in my mind
Calling back over turbulence and fear
Algonquin lost me
And I turned out to fuck you over
And it was so long ago
I hope everything is so well for you
Trust me, by this time
You would have let me go
I would have made sure there
Was something
You couldn't forgive

Middle of the road
I want to be in the middle of the road
Not waiting for traffic
Not trying to hitch a ride with a stranger
Just walking
Barefoot
Right on the yellow line
Balanced, breathing

It's a grave apprehension that accompanies
This lightness of days
Fearing gravity and it's gloom
If I lose all the helium in my balloon
All I'm left with is
A squeaky voice
That is far from amusing

If it gets loose
Who knows where it could end up

I see the future, bright and clean
Anxious heart holds me here
Hope for contentment though
Pushes me on
I am not blind to that sentiment
At the moment
So I will
Hug it close to my skin
And keep it alive

Today I am a Goddess
This morning the coffee tasted of sunshine and vanilla
I bought yellow tulips out of season
And I'm going to love them anyway
I gave myself a break
A wee time to not ponder
Still it creeps like ivy on a wrought iron cage
Knowing that at some point it will flutter
And fly away again

But today I could be a mermaid
Swim with the fishes and ride turtle backs
Swoosh
Wet hair dripping on hot sand
So tricky to just let it be
To take the risk of plunging off this imaginary tightrope
That is so trying to walk upon
Tiptoe quietly

I grasp it upside down with monkey toes and hang on
Maybe to swing, to fly and twist
Damn it
This is when I feel free
Is it enough to have just one foot touching the wire?

Would you rather be a caterpillar or a butterfly?
Butterflies are so lovely and free
While the caterpillar is kind of ugly and hunted
The safety then is in the cocoon
Warm, velvety soft and self contained
Huh

These years of refusal
Of small letters written
With big words
Left moldy
Languishing under lies and contempt

Fighting this metaphoric mind fuck
I can't explain the hurry today
Indigo January hurdles
False darkness
Stumbling along to traverse this path
Crooked with days and nights
Bleeding together
Running off the edge of the page
Soaking into the table top
And mocking me

None of this means I don't love you
I'm just not as sure about me today

When next becomes first
Time has been washed away to oblivion
I can't even see it
With night vision goggles

Craving stability on a mountaintop
The cartoon topper on a cake
Full of sugary sweet, gritty crystals

I'm in a box without a pencil
To draw my way free this time
I've cried at this window many times
Praying for rain to wash over me
Soak down the angst
And flood this feeling
Let it float away from me

This can't be right
I cannot be bothered to take part
In the pity
There is a less terrible thought
Out there for me
Straddled between yesterday and tomorrow

Rules of loss
No longer apply
A shift and a tussle upstairs
My faults can't keep me here
Waiting for you to understand

Staring at the ceiling in darkness
Fan blades flicker and bounce candlelight
And humidity
Off my walls
I know the gifts you bring
Wrapped up in bright paper with curled ribbons
The boxes full of trickery

I just can't go there
I should never have let you peek inside
Because I will carry our demise with me
Like an arrow with a crimson tip
I didn't know better
You had what I needed
At the time

I'm sorry they sent you the ambulance bill
I'm sorry the mirror was broken
I'm sorry I never apologized
For being who I am
And for wanting you
To save me

Sprawl
Foot out backwards
Giggle like a child
Sweet and unpossessed
By aged fracture

Grounded here
Fuzzy, woven rugs
Silencing the wooden floor
Beneath our elbows
Saving us from ourselves again

Reading lines
Watching glow
And that deep laughter
I miss drowning in

Tickled in this imaginary fort
Smiling for mere moments
In this time of
Trying to forget

Warmth and rosy cheeks
A glint of flame still in your eyes
You don't need to finish the story
Just lay me down here
And be free for the time being

The weight of your expectation is becoming my ruination
Please
Set me down gently
From this pedestal
You have invented to prop me up

This perfection you seek
Is not within me
Clueless to what is truly living inside this shell
No matter it's pretty disguise
You are merely feeding
An unexpected pretension
That is leaking so soon
Before it's time

While I fly here
You do not recognize these blemishes
The scars, the wrinkles of life
Which I cannot even express to you
Past and present
Imagined or otherwise
Trust me that you do not want this
You cannot see through it
Even if you are a super hero

What so I shall fall?
The bricks would be crushing to your ego
The mortar stuck between my ribs
My shattering will be my own
Whether my desire or not

Unearned shiny compliments
Are not enlightening
They are strangling me
Smothered over, muffled voice
And I will inevitably let you down
Once I am free

Please set me down gently
Back to earth
Where I could linger
And figure
It out.

Withering alphabet leaves
Buried under blizzard hush
Grape knuckles rotting on the vine
Elements of cool and forced retreat
Woods grey with solitude
Trees bare and sleeping for the time being

My arousal for living
Meets me here again
In these surroundings
Haven't had my eyes open for a while

Dusky sleepy view and no light pollution
That dulls every inch of my spine
Turning the knots inwards and twisting the fences
Out in the yard

I yearn to come back and stay this time
With or without the sickness
With or without the proper attire
My warmth was never really in question
As long as I could be in the sunrise every morning
And shush to sleep every night when it fell

These are the times of past forgotten that I only think of here
It's Ok
No one can hear me screaming
I go about a day full of vigour and significance
I haven't known for a long time

The advice has been taken and pondered
Appreciated
I've seen the here and the now and the way back when
I can't live without myself again
My belonging in this hierarchy is right here at the bottom
Where nothing can be taken for granted
And Mother Nature is the only voice

Last time I stayed there were bears out the window
Mama and babies playing in the meadow
So glad the windows were shut so she couldn't smell human
And get scared and run away
I wouldn't blame her
They rumbled around the tall grass at dawn
I made coffee on the woodstove and took it out to the porch
Good morning Moose, I can see your breath again
I've never felt so comfortable and safe in my life

And it's time maybe to go back
I don't think anyone can hear me here anyway
No one seems to be listening
Like learning a second language
I'm tired of trying and meeting and small talk
I'm tired, so tired of moving my lips
And getting no response

As much as there are people
There are words I cannot, dare not, do not share
Just haven't in a long time
This untrust has served me well
That it is lonely at times with all these bodies around
Is my only consistency

There seems to be no depth left in this world
To dive into
My hands freezing
If there is no reason, conviction
What is there
Are people correct in their assumptions
That it is pointless to help, that no one cares
I wonder and become filled with weeping
At the thought that it might be true

Balance is a delightful void
To believe in
Not a matter of running away from anything
Towards
More like skipping
There's too much to muddle through here
And there is no one left to fold up with

There's a party going on in my head that I was not invited to.

I crave your fingertips on my skin
Taste the maple syrup on your lip
Poetry whispered on my neck
Warmth on my belly
Soft hips struggling for repose

Pages touch the creaky floor without waiting
Wrapped around the pain
Words floating grace out a pane of broken glass
Share another smoke and call it a night
Your tears are safe here on my breast

Piano key solo fading away
From the night's disguise
Writing the harmony back into my life
Empty shadows departing
Taking with them my death

Loosely smiling
Brief wisp of curl on a collarbone
Replace my fear with longing
Give you back your breath

My
Last sweaty breath
Paused
I told you I knew
You stole from me when you let her in

Your tears sweet on my tongue
I tasted them on your face in the darkness
They sparkled
As you turned away

Switch it up
You've become what you hate most

Did her lip quiver like mine when you went deep
Was she wearing my lingerie
I figured it out

Fulfill the destiny
Of inscription that
Haunts your skin

Give my regards to torment, to suffering
And clean up your mess
When I leave
There is nothing here for me

Does it hurt
I haven't decided
If I want it to
Or not

Breakfast of Champions

Even beautiful hungover you said
Puffy lids
In the morning
Young enough to call in sick with you
And climb back into bed
To sweat it out

And we hung there
Crazy enough to find the amusement
In our loss

Unplug the phone
Pull the drapes
Our dark white palace
We were
Too blind to notice the cracks in the walls surrounding us

All fucked up
Broken sheets
Torn up thru
The glass of
Shattered words

Sobbing naked woes
Enveloped from inside
Your brow
Wet sponge blame
Brought on by the cooling
Of a messy bed

Where you are
Heaped over yourself
Crawling in your pain
The harshness
Of the soft pillows
Smothering your joy

Again